Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship (And How to Recognise It Early)
It was a sunny Saturday when my husband and I attended one of my colleagues' housewarming ceremonies. I was dolled up and excited to attend the event. It’s rare these days to receive an invitation, and even rarer for a non-wedding event. Almost everyone we know in our circle is either married or already owns a house. So this was exciting.
Naturally, other colleagues were invited too. I was introduced to everyone's better half, which was how I came into contact with this gentle-looking lady with thick glasses, who carried herself with quiet elegance.
She was warm and eager to listen to what I had to say, which landed us at the same table for lunch. I had recently finished a course on how to cook with millets, and we spent most of our time discussing it. She was curious and respectful of my views and what I had learned. I was totally drawn into the discussion, as this was the first time someone had taken an interest in knowing about millets.
The day ended on a pleasant note with my colleague and his wife (we will call her Rita) inviting us to their place to enjoy chai. Rita and I exchanged numbers, and thus our friendship began.
You have to know something about me before I continue the story further. I am someone who puts sincere effort into friendships, even though many of mine have been short-lived. I’ve learned to accept that some people enter our lives only to teach us something, and I’ve made peace with that. Still, after a long time, it felt good to have a new friend.
Incidentally, Rita and I worked on the same tech campus, albeit in different companies. We started catching up during evening tea and talked about a range of topics, including journaling, fashion, work, and personal life. I perceived her as a mature lady with whom I could discuss serious matters. Mind you, I was not into therapy during this period, so I was vulnerable from an emotional standpoint. I became eager to accept whatever she was giving, and by day 3, we promised to be there for each other like sisters. I had an inkling that she may not have had many friends either.
Like many others, I was working in a hybrid setup. Three days a week in the office was the typical norm for me. In the initial two weeks, I genuinely wanted to connect more with her, so whenever she asked if we could go for an evening walk and tea, I would agree happily. The downside of this was that I had to miss my usual evening break with my colleague friends. And I didn't want that. I wanted this routine to be distributed evenly between Rita and my colleagues. This meant turning down Rita for some of the walks.
That was when the dynamic subtly began to shift. The demands and the overbearing nature started slowly but surely. It was so subtle at first that I felt guilty for not being able to make time for her. My work is demanding during certain months, and when that happens, I cannot overindulge in social media or even go for those evening walks. Rita would send me a lot of recipes, friendship quotes, memes, etc., which I actively looked into with interest, but I was unable to keep up. She made a point of asking about them when we met in person, which felt strange.
She started advising me on journaling and its importance, she talked about spirituality and also suggested going to a workshop hosted by some random "guruji". I felt uncomfortable during those moments. Journaling and spirituality are deeply personal choices, and I realised they don’t work the same way for everyone. I still gave the journaling part a go. It was hard for Rita to understand why I was not leaning into her way of practising both, so I went with the flow to avoid hurting her.
Also read - The Life I Lived Out of Obligation While Waiting for My Own to Begin
Two months into the friendship, she had to visit her family in her hometown. We checked on each other through WhatsApp. Before returning, she asked me what type of jewellery I prefer as she wanted to buy something for me. I was pleased with the idea, and I told her that I love and prefer the chunky ones. It turned out she had already bought a jewellery set that she wanted me to have, and was disappointed with my response. I accepted the gift with gratitude, but I felt frustrated with the entire experience. It wasn’t my style, and I knew I wouldn’t wear it.
I think it irked her that I did not spend all the evenings with her when I came to the office. On a random day, she brought up her best friend very casually in conversation. In these two months, I had no idea that she had a best friend back in her hometown. If I am being honest, I was a bit hurt by that admission. I still do not know if she made that up or was simply telling the truth. But that admission was enough for me to come back to reality and see her in a different light.
There were a couple of other incidents that occurred in the next few months, which prompted me to slowly create boundaries. She had to visit her hometown again because her mom had to undergo surgery. I kept checking on her and her mother's status regularly. Three months in, she didn't ask me once if I was doing okay. During those three months, I went through extreme stress due to health and money problems, and I really needed someone to talk to. The nonchalant behaviour she displayed created a distance I could not cross. Maybe I didn't want to. So I tried to manage my stress the way I knew. One fine day, she decided to reach out to me by simply asking if I liked the video she had shared, all chirpy and friendly. I reacted badly and lashed out at her. In hindsight, it was unfair of me, especially when she was dealing with her own struggles. Still, that moment made it clear to me that the friendship had reached a breaking point. I no longer had it in me to remain friends with someone with whom I had no common interests, who was only interested in trying to impose what she liked.
After that conversation, we never spoke again.
Looking back, I realise she may have picked up on my vulnerable and people-pleasing nature, which, in hindsight, may have made me an easy person to lean on emotionally. These nine months of friendship taught me some critical life lessons.
The red flags that I should have recognised early:
- Rapid emotional bonding
- Subtle possessiveness
- Pressure to accept lifestyle changes that I am not aligned with
- Lack of compatibility
I have experienced the rapid emotional bonding pattern with some other friendships in my life, where, from day one, they would behave very friendly, show care, be curious, only to then start enforcing what they want out of that friendship. When this happens, I have learned that addressing it early is often healthier.
The fourth red flag is one I should have recognised from the beginning of the friendship. That would have prevented the uncomfortable situation I was stuck in during all those months.
I also want to emphasise something that is not necessarily a red flag, but something to consider while navigating friendships or holding on to old ones out of habit, especially once we cross thirty.
As we grow older, our priorities shift, our career goals evolve, our bodies change, and so do our personal choices. There may have been a time when trying new drinks at new pubs every other month with friends felt exciting and socially rewarding. Over time, some of us may begin to take our health more seriously, which might naturally mean cutting back on those outings. Others may continue to enjoy that lifestyle, and neither choice is inherently right or wrong. However, when priorities begin to differ, changes in participation can sometimes be misunderstood as disinterest, distance, or becoming “uncool.”
There can also be situations where you are taking on more responsibility at work and dealing with greater pressure, while your friends are in a different phase of life. You may be operating in a more focused or demanding headspace, which can make you less available than before. This shift may be difficult for some people to relate to. At the same time, some friends recognise and respect these transitions — who choose quieter ways of staying connected, give you space when needed, and allow the friendship to evolve without resentment.
I know friendships are not meant to feel transactional, and they should never resemble a business arrangement. What I mean instead is that friendships should enrich your life without requiring you to adopt someone else’s lifestyle or mindset to keep the peace. Mutual respect, trust, and genuine care need to exist on both sides. At the same time, having at least some shared interests or common ground makes it easier for a friendship to sustain itself over time.
As my therapist says, “Opposites may attract in love. But for friendships to thrive, you need common ground to begin with.” I couldn’t agree more.
What red flags have you observed in your friendships, and how did you respond to them?
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Thanks for reading. See you in the margins.
