From Fear of Judgment to Breaking the Victim Mindset

Fear has many faces, but the one that quietly shaped my career was fear of judgment.

I didn’t realise how deep my fear of judgment ran its course until I noticed how rarely I turned my camera on during virtual meetings at work.

Every time I turned the camera on, I was conscious of how I looked, the angle of my face, the reactions on my face that others might notice, the nervousness, and the sweating. I would keep thinking, "Oh! My nose looks weird. My cheeks are too puffy. The audience will not be impressed with me regardless of how I talk." This may sound surprising to some readers, but when you have been dealing with emotional trauma hitting on your self-confidence and self-esteem for years, this simple act of social connection becomes a daunting task.

It also started hurting me during the interviews. Despite my knowledge and experience, my fear of judgment drove my confidence to hit rock bottom, and it was evident in my voice and responses.

I’m also highly attuned to other people’s reactions and expressions. So any facial reactions from the other person will be assessed very minutely by the brain. Anyone not nodding in agreement or making a frustrated face would lead to instant fumbling, reduced confidence, and eventually emotional withdrawal—directly impacting my productivity.

I have worked, and continue to work, with people who would indirectly "bully" me by challenging my confidence level. They would make me feel guilty about not doing enough and would try to put responsibilities on my head so subtly that by the time I realise, I am already knee deep into it.

Then there is a certain category of people who simply cannot stop patronising or mansplaining on topics that will be insulting to anyone with an established 14 years of career in that very topic!

The Victim Mindset

As I introspect, I realise that I have been grouping and labelling these incidents based on people's behaviours, thereby coming up with three categories for them instead of seeing this as a pattern of anxiety:

I don't like them, they don't like me, and I should avoid them as much as possible.

The problem with this mental labelling was that I started becoming anxious at the very thought of communication with those same set of people, and my voice reflected it—an undercurrent of hesitation every time I spoke to them. It felt unfair to me that, despite doing everything, these people would still undermine my progress and drive me to anxiety for no reason.

Over time, I began to see a pattern and the intensity with which this was affecting me. Instead of addressing situations objectively, I realised that I was internalising them, assigning intent, and retreating emotionally. What I didn’t realise then was that I wasn’t just reacting to people's behaviours; I was operating from a familiar mental framework.

The victim mindset that I carried on for years drove me to emotional irregularities in my behaviour, responses and processing. It was the same mindset I had seen my parents use repeatedly over the years, playing like a broken record in my own thoughts. The realisation felt like a jolt of lightning. The last thing I wanted was to become like my parents, and I knew something had to change.

Also read - Unlearning My Parents’ Patterns: How Toxic Upbringing Affected My Career.

Things Started to Shift - for the Better

Something did start to change in 2025. I started being on camera more frequently than before. I even gave a virtual session in cybersecurity (my work domain) to a meeting room full of college graduates with my camera ON!

But how did I overcome this?

I wish I could remember the source, but when I heard this statement, it was kind of an awakening moment for me: No one in the room is focused on you. Everyone is busy thinking about how they sound, how they look, what to say to stand out, or how to get through the meeting.

This hit me hard because throughout my career, I kept thinking and obsessing about what my leaders or peers thought about me, criticising myself for fumbling, scolding myself for not being able to answer something diplomatically, and sometimes losing sleep over this "phantom judgment" that I believed was the reason for my success being slow.

I started to believe the above eye-opening statement and kept repeating it in my mind during the meetings and unofficial conversations. The change started slowly but surely. I saw myself speaking more confidently than before and with conviction.

While I started making these subtle changes, I also realised that people will do whatever they can to shuffle the responsibilities onto you. They will cry wolf as many times as needed so someone else can do their job. If that doesn't work, they will try to hit your confidence or your emotional side to get what they want. That, I realised, is often the nature of corporate life.

And I can't even fault them on this because everyone is thinking about themselves (remember the statement above?), as is their right. Who am I to judge them or categorise them based on their behaviour? Everyone is doing things in their own way to survive, no matter the means and aftermath.

I also started connecting with a therapist regularly, who helped me understand why I get into this "victim mindset" often with people who are in positions of authority at work or in life. This predominantly stemmed from observing (no surprise) my own parents' reactions whenever things would not work out in their favour.

My brain created this neural pathway over the years whenever my parents would exert their rights, their authority, raise their voices or even say absurdly hurtful things just to weaken or drive me to guilt. My brain instantly triggered the same action–reaction loop I had developed with my parents, now applied to authority figures at work. It analysed and responded to the latter the same way when my parents did any of the above things.

This realisation alone was enough for me to take a pause, breathe and face my colleagues without bringing in the victim mindset.

I also started exercising regularly, particularly strength training, which released a lot of pent-up emotions and helped me see things clearly without the cloud of a victim mindset. It regulated my mood, made me confident with how I look and feel in my body and gave me the boost in my mental clarity that I was lacking.

I wouldn’t dare claim that I’m an image of self-confidence yet. But things are undeniably better. I’m more present, more grounded, and less governed by inherited patterns. Change is slow, but every time I respond differently in the above situations feels like real progress and a major win for me.

If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, I’d love to read how you navigated it. Feel free to share in the comments.

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